[The crowd starts chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"]
Jerry: Tonight on "The Jerry Springer Show" we have a particularly interesting episode! Seth is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend, Ralph. So everyone, please put your hands together for Seth!
[The crowd whoops and hollers]
Jerry: Okay, now Seth you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
Jerry: And what is this other person's name?
[The crowd squeals with delight]
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Karen, is actually here tonight ...
[The crowd squeals]
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Seth, because as it happens there is someone else here to see you! So let's bring out ... Jill!
You: What the HELL!!!
[Out of nowhere you pull out a squirt gun. Jill reaches for the poang chair. Out of the shadows Lori appears]
Lori: Wait everybody, wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First, tell us why you're here Jill.
Jill: Because I saw Seth and Lori making out at CVS!
[The crowd goes absolutely insane]
Lori: That's a lie! I was home watching West Wing!
Jerry: [raising his hands] Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here ... what exactly is the problem Jill?
Jill: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Ralph who has recently become engaged to Lori.
[The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement]
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Ralph out here because Seth had something that they needed to tell them anyway about ... Karen that's right!
Ralph: [enters onto stage and saunters over towards you] What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Karen! You know how I feel about Karen!
Lori: [screams] What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Karen!
Ralph: Because I knew that I could never have Karen. But Seth promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
Lori: What about respect for my feelings!
[Jill walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Ralph]
Jill: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
[Again the crowd squeals]
Lori: Oh my God! Are you sick!?
[Lori runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly]
Lori: Seth take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing ... I'm ... well, I'm married ...
[The crowd does its bit]
Lori: Who the hell are you married to? When ... when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Karen.
Ralph: [screaming] WHAT!!!
Jerry: [grinning widely, makes an enquiry] So ... did you have a nice wedding night?
Karen: [stepping back out onto center stage] Well we had sex pi times if that's what you mean.
[The crowd squeals]
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight ... Seth is married to Karen who Ralph has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Ralph has recently become engaged to Lori who was recently spotted kissing Seth in CVS. Now on top of this, Jill has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Ralph.
Karen: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: [looking sternly into the camera] It's times like these that one has to wonder whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks - it's been great - but for now, take care of yourselves ... and each other.
[Cue cheesy background music and fade to black]